My Apologies

I know I'm about 23 days overdue for some sort of recognition that it is a new year but if you couldn't tell just by the calendar, overcrowded gyms and sold out health food stores, there is probably a bigger problem. What is my New Year's resolution, you ask? To open a savings account and to be able to do a split again. I feel this ever pressing need to become more financially responsible and sound with my money. I want to have enough to give back.  As I enter the workforce, I'm thinking about my retirement beach cottage in Emerald Isle and making sure that, when the time comes, I've got enough to get there. As for the split, I've been feeling the 'I miss ballet' pangs lately. You know its bad when you get emotional watching a documentary on ballerinas in New York. I had to stop due to health reasons and I'll be honest in saying that I've never really let go of that bitterness. Damn Lyme. I want to be able to do a split again because I miss the stretching…. and I guess its a pretty cool thing to be able to do. In short, its something that I once could do and now I can't.

On a more serious note, I've also made a commitment to taking the two seconds to say "I'm sorry" to those who need my apologies. Those of you who know me, know that saying these two words isn't something I'm very good at. I'm incredibly prideful and taking a moment to acknowledge that I have done something wrong risks cracking holes in the immense walls I've built up around my heart that ensures that people take me seriously. I realize now though, that my prideful inability to say sorry has taken its tole on my relationships and I want to stop this cycle now. I won't make excuses because my friends deserve more than that. I'm not sure that many of the people who need to read this ever will but I have faith that God will allow me to cross burned bridges maybe for just those two seconds. So if you need it from me…. I'm sorry. If you feel as if I owe you an apology, please tell me. The best way that I can think of fixing my wrongs is to know what they are. Until then, I will pray for you and maybe you'll pray for me and , eventually, we'll all be alright at the foot of the cross. Growth is change and change is growth. Let's take the opportunity that the New Year offers to all make ourselves a little better than we were last year and love a little better than we did yesterday. 

Pace <3 

When God closes a door, He always opens a window. When I finished my student teaching, I realized that college was over and this little colloquial saying came to mind. God closed a door. Now where is my window? I know that my window is Teach for America in Eastern North Carolina but right now it seems so far away. I also started thinking about this little saying much more than I probably should have. When God closes a door...- God closing doors in our lives is a blessing. How often though do I refuse to let Him shut it and put some sort of emotional door wedge that prevents the door from closing? Sometimes we try so desperately to keep the door open to look out onto people and events the way we would like to remember them rather than the way it actually happened. We sugarcoat and highlight times and events in our lives that were good and completely forget the times that were bad. We also might do the opposite- stubbornly refuse to see the good in a situation in which we didn't come out on top. I'm just a guilty of that as the next guy. ….He always opens a window. Trust isn't something that comes easily to me. How often do I cling to that emotional wedge holding the door open because I'm so deeply terrified that God isn't going to open a window? I'm so afraid He's going to leave me in this little room with just me and my thoughts. One of my biggest fears in life is being alone. I've spent enough time at my University however, to know that being alone is where God is free to do His most effective work. No matter what your belief in God is, I bet that moments of silence have prompted some of your most poignant revelations about who you are as person. Maybe this is where God wants me to be right now while He's working on constructing the window. Alone with my thoughts. Confronting my dragons head on. I just need to trust that there WILL be a window and it will look out onto something so much more beautiful than I ever imagined!

Knights in Shining Armor

(Late but what else is new….) SO MANY NEW HOUSEHOLD BROTHERS!!! My heart is beyond full. I am incredibly blessed to know these men and have had the privilege of belonging to their sister household for almost 3 years now. The Knights of the Holy Queen amaze me on a daily basis in their pursuit of true manhood and of their willingness to lay down their lives for Our Lady and for her daughters.

Men in general amaze me. The perfect complementarity of man and woman is something that gives me hope whenever I find myself struggling with my own weaknesses or my shortfalls.The Knights of the Holy Queen have had a particular impact in my life and for that I will always be grateful. My gratitude stretches especially to  those relationships that have fallen apart because of things that I have or haven't done. I will always be thankful for the respect and love they showed a very broken woman and for the truth they spoke to her heart.  The thing I appreciate the most about these men is that they are constantly striving to be just that- men. For more of my rantings and ravings about how much I love these men, you can go here . I've written about them before and still mean every single word. Congratulations, my dear brothers!

Just wanted to quickly share probably one of the most beautiful, relatable things I have ever read. You may now enjoy your Saturday :) 

Inside Voices

I am deep in the throngs of my second student teaching placement. I am excessively far behind on a project that should have been done two weeks ago. I haven't been running in a week. I am tired. I'm actually not hungry. But in the end, its a beautiful thing.

My second student teaching placement is at an undisclosed middle school in urban Appalachia teaching 24 students with special needs in a self contained classroom. They are in 5th through 8th grade and all have varying degrees of disabilities. There are 20 boys and 3 girls.  This placement has tested every ounce of patience I have and has made me question every teaching practice I have ever implemented or learned about. Believe it or not, ladies and gentlemen, the most difficult part of this placement for me has been the discipline. I find it hard to take the  advice of some teachers and 'just yell' at the students or to become the 'bitch on wheels' in my classroom. I feel like on the Main Line, I wouldnt have a problem with that. On the Main Line, it would be like sit down, give me your iPhone, and do your frickin work. But in my classroom, I look out and see students who have difficult lives. I see students who are yelled at all day in school and then yelled at all night at home. I see students that have disabilities because their mothers were drug addicts while they were pregnant, were physically abused as children, or are genetic nightmares.  I see children who haven't bathed in weeks because their family doesn't have running water. I see students who aren't given their medication because their mothers sell their prescriptions.

Those that know me know that I can yell. I'm Italian. It's a genetic marker. But in my classroom, I can't seem to raise my voice to these kids. My heart breaks for their lives. At the same time, there is a little piece of me that doesn't want my heart to get in the way of their education. If I can touch the life of even one student and help them (or their parents) see that they aren't failures, I will have done my job in the classroom. I only get them for 6 weeks but that doesn't matter. Lives can dramatically alter in a moment. I've got 3,628,800 of them. 

The War on Sexy

I remember with torn emotions those times when 'Hey sexy!' were two of my favorite words in combination. I loved hearing them. My goal was to here them. And now, as they're whistled on some unnamed street in Steubenville getting out of my car from work, they make me cringe.
I thought about those men all night and I prayed for them and I started thinking about why this seemingly casual comment sat with me for such a long time.
Then it hit me. I don't want to be sexy. That's why this comment bothered me so much.

Alright now, pick your jaws up off the floor and listen to my rationale.

I was looking up the definition of sexy and I found that it means having the qualities and attributes of sex. So basically, in a rough translation of the phrase, when someone says 'Hey, sexy!' it really implies 'Hey, you look like sex'.
Sex is not a bad thing. Sex is beautiful. It is fruitful. It is a whole gift of self that people wait years and years to give to one person. But when a man looks at me, I don't want him to automatically jump to sex. I don't want to be someone's sex object. I want him to see me as more than that. Society has turned sex into a casual, meaningless activity. I don't want to be casual and meaningless. When a man looks at me, I want him to see someone special. Someone worth respecting. Someone who has a worth deeper than her physical appearance.
Now- I'm not saying that we should all walk around in shapeless potato sacks that make people question whether or not we are human. I'm actually saying quite the opposite. The way that we dress should be a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. Our bodies are a beautiful thing! If we walk around in clothing that hides our bodies, it communicates the message that we are ashamed of our little temple. It communicates that we're trying to hide something bad and ugly. When we chose our clothing, we should ask ourselves how others will see us in the outfit. If you saw someone else wearing the same thing, would you think they looked sexy? What would your first impression of that person be?

Ladies, let's respect ourselves. What your mama gave you is not bad- it just doesn't need to be on display for the entire world to view and judge. Your beauty lies in something that won't fade. Your looks, you body, your makeup will all fade away at some point (except for Julie Andrews. She will always be flawless). As a woman, I know that clothing is difficult. It's too loose, too tight, to short, too long, too itchy, too much polyblend, and it'll create trouble spots out of thin (haha) air. When you go shopping, maybe take your dad or your brother or a man that you greatly respect who you know is rooted in respecting women. Ask them what they think. They'll love it AND you'll get to spend quality time with them. Boom.

Gentlemen, have you ever heard of the Golden Rule? Treat others the way you would like to be treated? When you take 4.5 seconds to put some effort into your appearance, it suggests to us that you will treat others, especially women, with respect. If you can't respect yourself, you can't respect others. I'm not an aficionado on mens clothing but I think that shopping for you would be the same for women. Bring us with you. Let us love you.

So that bring me to a close on my sexy war. I don't want to be sexy. I want to be smart, funny, talented, eccentric, interesting, and beautiful. I want someone to look at me an say wow- there is so much more there than a short polycotton stretch skirt with a shirt that highlights good genes and a well endowed top. Maybe not in those exact words but I think my point is pretty clear. Don't put all your eggs in one basket. The less you worry about being sexy and the more you focus on being the woman you were called to be, the happier you will be with your life and with yourself. You'll be content with simplicity. <3

Life Update

      So clearly I suck at keeping people updated on my life. Its something I'm working on. I've realized though that I cant get angry at people for not putting forth effort into keeping in touch when I don't at least reciprocate it. So anyway- an update on my life currently:

1. I'm student teaching!!! Ahhh!! This video basically sums up how I feel about the entire thing. The only thing that needs to be changed is the ranting about a cheating husband and replace it with incoherent ranting about student teaching and lesson plans and Teacher Preparation Assessments. I feel like I'm constantly fighting against the temptation to just drop out and lay around my house all day.

 But in that moment, I'm reminded of Saint Paul's letter to the Corinthians where he talks about how Christ said to him 'My grace is sufficient for you because my power is made perfect in weakness.' Yeah yeah. You must be pretty powerful then, buddy boy, because in this moment I feel like I'm pretty equivalent with those ants that people squish for fun.


2. I'm doing Teach for America!! I got the job back in May and found out that I will be going to Eastern North Carolina! That was a whirlwind and a total God-send, to be honest. I am the exact opposite of what they hire. Literally. I'm white, middle class, prep-school educated, and I go to a small liberal arts college. I applied on the very last day applications were being accepted and I felt like I totally blew the phone interview. When I got the email that they wanted me to go to the next stage of the process in DC, I legitimately thought it was a joke. Despite my doubts, I drove down to our nation's capital and stayed with my dear friend Annie. I interviewed with 6 other people, all of whom were either from Harvard or Brown. I really wish that I had gotten the day on camera. I was a neon pink peplum top amongst suits and ties. I taught a lesson on shoe tying and the guy next to me taught a lesson on Ernest Hemingway. I figured about half way through the interview day that I probably wasn't going to get the job anyway so I just kind of threw caution to the wind and went for it. In my one on one interview, I was honest. I was blunt. I criticized that company but made suggestions as to how to make it better. I told them that when I started college, I didn't want to be a teacher but I find myself graduating with an education degree. I told my interviewer that all I really wanted to do was love people. I left the interview feeling like, even though I wasn't getting the job, I had been honest and maybe gave the interviewer something to think about.  2 weeks later, sitting in the back of the 'bane of my existence' family van, I received the email. The tag line was just- CONGRATULATIONS!!. I was pretty sure I was going to open it and it was going to say something along the lines of: I didn't even say anything to my mom, who was in the car. I opened the email and it directed me to log into my account to see where I would be placed. Again, I was pretty sure I was going to open it and it was going to say Location: None. Nice try, Barbie. So I logged into my account and panic flooded every fiber of my being. I had been accepted. I had been placed.
CONGRATULATIONS .......on your rejection. You made it pretty far. Nice try though. I was going to North Carolina. My mom knew that I had been waiting for this email and, just earlier, she had been telling me that even if I didn't get the job, at least it was good to have the interview experience. I turned and looked at her. I asked how much a Uhal to North Carolina would be. She then proceeded to veer off the road in a reciprocated shock and surprise. Then the phone chain started- Daddy was called. Aunt Rie was called. Susie and Jess were called. More updates in this area will come soon. I'm going south, y'all!!

3. No, I am not dating anyone. And you know what? I'm ok with that right now. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about being a wife and a mommy but I realize that what I'm doing right now with my life is preparing me to be the best that I can be. There WILL be a separate blog post on this, however, so I'm going to stop this here before I rant forever.

That's about all I have time for right now because those lesson plans are calling my name. More soon <3